Monday, January 9, 2012

A Conversation

Co-worker: Hey FLG, you're a guy.

FLG: Last time I checked.

Co-worker: I need a guy's opinion about something. My boyfriend and I aren't talking.

FLG: Oh boy.

Co-worker: I was sick over the holidays and he didn't come over to check on me.

FLG: Did you tell him you wanted him to come over?

Co-worker: No, but he should know, right? It's obvious that if your girlfriend is sick that you should come over and bring soup or something, right?

FLG: Look, I think it was Kurt Vonnegut who said, "Men are jerks. Women are psychotic." For my money, and I'll admit I'm biased as a guy, the biggest problem in relationships, or rather the easiest to fix that causes the biggest problems, is these expectations women have. They pretty much expect that their boyfriend is a mind reader. Frankly, it's crazy.

Co-worker: It's not mindreading! It's just common sense that if your girlfriend is sick, then you come over and bring soup or something. You guys should know that.

FLG: We should know that? Oh shit, please don't tell me that the reason you aren't talking now is because he not only should know to bring over chicken soup, but also that he should know why you are mad and you haven't told him.

Co-worker: Exactly!

FLG: Holy crap. You're in your 30s. You shouldn't be pulling this shit.

Co-worker: But he should know!

FLG: Okay, look, let's imagine that he didn't talk to you for say two weeks after his birthday. You have no idea why he's not talking to you. Finally, you break down and ask. He says, nothing. Nothing's wrong. You persist for about an hour, and all of a sudden he loses it at you because you didn't show up at his house on his birthday in a French maid outfit with a Brazilian wax. Would you think he's nuts?

Co-worker: He would be nuts. There's a huge difference between soup and acting like a pornstar.

FLG: Really? Maybe he expected the pornstar routine for his birthday and you didn't deliver.

Co-worker: How would I know he wanted me to dress in a French maid outfit and not a naughty nurse or something?

FLG: That would be like complaining that he brought over minestrone instead of chicken soup. But that's not the real point. The real point is that he never said anything and therefore is crazy for being mad. And even crazier for thinking you should've read his mind.

Co-worker: I wanted him to want to bring over soup. He should want to without me telling him.

FLG: And he wants you to want to do the French maid routine without telling you.

Co-worker: Ugh, you guys are such pigs.

FLG: We just more care about different things, and women choose to believe that what men care about is dirtier or less important, and thus we are pigs. Look, if every time you feel like he should know what you are expecting without telling him, then think of the French maid outfit. It's best just to tell him what you'd like. If he says no or balks in some way, then maybe there is an issue. For example, if you told him you wanted him to come over with soup and he didn't, then that'd be an issue. Or at least an issue you could discuss like adults. This he should know what I want and then when I don't get it I don't talk to him stuff is, frankly, high school bullshit.


Anonymous said...

I fail to see how wanting your long-in-the-tooth girlfriend *with benefits* to dress up in a French's maid outfit is "acting like a porn star".

The woman has weaponized sex and is now psycho. Advise her to dump the boyfriend, for his sake, and get a few cats...

Mrs. P

The Ancient said...

"You never really get out of high school ..."

I must have heard this a thousand times.

But I just now realized it was always a woman saying it.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. P has it nailed. My wife had a nice line: 'men are like street cars. wait ten minutes, there'll be another one along.' True, in your teens and twenties. In her teens and twenties, this girl can wear the tee shirt 'I've got the pussy, I make the rules'. Then at about 33, suddenly you are on after-midnight once-an-hour. Your coworker has not yet realized that the schedule is changed. Crazy cat lady status lies ahead. dave.s.

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