Thursday, November 24, 2011

In Utero

I'll dispense with my normal third person narrative for this post, as it would probably only make me sound crazier.

I have a vivid, visceral memory of my soul entering my body. Actually, forced into my body is probably more accurate. I've had this memory, obviously, for as long as I can remember. Indeed, one of my earliest memories as a child was when my mother was pregnant with my brother, so I was about three, and trying to explain to her about this past memory so that I could make sense of it.

She largely dismissed or misunderstood what I was saying, which is understandable given that I remember being frustrated that I couldn't fully articulate my experience, what with my limited cognitive and verbal skills at the time. Plus, having an almost three year-old myself, it's not hard to imagine my mother thinking that the three year-old me was making stuff up or confused or even had no idea what I was talking about. I haven't asked her about it since, and don't know if she'd even remember. In fact, I don't think I've talked about it to anybody since. I did mention it in passing to Mrs. FLG once when we were both pretty drunk and she probably doesn't remember. To be honest, I don't really like to talk about it at all because I know it sounds crazy. I'll get to why I am talking about it now later.

As for the memory itself, as vivid as it is, it has still faded somewhat with time. The sense of the physical sensation sticks most strongly, as the experience was extremely unpleasant and disorienting. The best way I can describe my memory of the physical sensation is that of having a bottle of whiskey forced down your throat, stuffed into a suitcase, and thrown in a freezer, then an oven, and finally placed on several amusement park rides.

My memory of the mental side of the experience has dimmed more. I remember the sense of what I was thinking, but the specific thoughts, which I remember remembering as a kid, have unfortunately slipped away. The basic gist goes like this:
Wow, this is very unpleasant. I don't like this. I wasn't ready. I think I made a mistake. My thinking is becoming muddled. I'm forgetting stuff already. Pretty soon I won't remember anything. It'll all be over soon. Try to remember. It's important to remember.

Then it fades out, and the rest of my memory of my life is what I think is pretty normal. A couple of snippets around 2-3, gradually building over time.

Honestly, my scientific mind recoils from this. This really shouldn't be possible, and there are so many possible psychological explanations for how this is all a fantasy created by my mind that I'd find it unbelievable if somebody else told me this story.

I do know these things: I still remember it pretty clearly, although the memory is fading with time. As a small child, again around three, I was completely convinced that I existed before my body had, which seems like an awfully odd thing for three year-old even to contemplate, forget believing completely. Plus, there was a deep sense of two other things. First, I was far more knowledgeable and intelligent in my previous form. Second, there was something or someone forcing me into the body. Not so much against my will, but that's just how it has to be done.

One more detail that I think might be relevant is that this occurred after my entire body had been formed. I'm not quite sure why I think this exactly, but sense of this is deeply-rooted in the memory.

Anyway, so if I'm so hesitant to talk about this, then why now and why on the blog? Good questions.

I can answer why now pretty easily. I happen to be up late with the baby, and all this came rushing back for some reason. It's always there in the back of my mind, but I haven't felt compelled to reflect upon it in years. Last time was probably back when Miss FLG Maior was Ann infant.

As to why on the blog, well, I don't quite know. Maybe I feel better writing it all down at once. Plus, I can post whatever I want here and I don't need to lead into some conversation with "hey, I believe I remember my soul entering my body." Just doesn't come up in conversation naturally all that much without sounding like a freakin' crazy person. To be completely honest, I'm not quite sure why I'm posting it and I realize I still probably sound like a crazy person. If this blog wasn't pseudonymous, then I wouldn't be posting it.

Again, I could come up with countless ways to explain this away psychologically, but I don't believe that I'm misremembering or fantasizing. Never have. And I remember remembering it since as far as I can remember.

Perhaps paradoxically, the thing that bothers me most about the memory is my desire, strong desire, within the memory to remember. Indeed, the memory itself feels like the result of an overwhelming expression of will by my soul, before it was subsumed by my physical body, to etch something into my memory. It just feels so massively egotistical, which I guess does explain a lot about me. Then again, maybe it is important that I remember for so other reason, who knows.

By the way, I've never really looked into the idea of existing before one's body. I've run across near death experience reports in the media, of course, and I'm vaguely aware of the idea of preexistence, but I've never really investigated it. I'm sure there's some literature on it and a quick google search would reveal a whole host of reports of this, but I've never been interested.

There it is and that's about it. Never fear though, FLG is now back to his more familiar brand of insanity on foreign affairs, economics, time horizons, Plato, pirates, hating NATO and object sex.


Anonymous said...

Are you not describing in your own unique way - pre-existence?

Mrs. P

FLG said...

Oh, certainly. I've just never searched for other accounts.

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