A Conversation

There's a knock on Mrs. FLG's hospital room door.

FLG: Hello?

Voice through the door: Mr. and Mrs. in Georgetown? It's Agents Fitz and Mallory. May we come in?

FLG opens the door.

FLG: What the fuck do you two want? We just had a baby.

Fitz: Right. About that. The boys down at the office chipped in and we got you something. It's not much, but...

Mallory pulls a pacifier out of his pocket.

FLG: Thanks. You shouldn't have.

Mallory: You won't say that after.

FLG: After what?

Fitz: We want you to wear a wire.

FLG: What the hell for?

Mallory: For evidence of course.

FLG: What evidence?

Fitz: The SAC was very impressed by your initiative.

FLG: SAC? Initiative?

Fitz: Special-Agent-in-Charge and infiltrating the Catholic Blog Mafia.

Fitz: You've made it in deeper than any of our agents.

Mallory: Survived longer is what he means to say.

Fitz: We thought about using that Cusack kid a while back, but the psyche profilers said he's wound up too tight. Said he was..."very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. He might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time."

Mallory: That and his insane focus on the Austro-Hungarian Empire is disturbing. It's the Washington Generals of European History. I could see admiring Janos Hunyadi. He beat back the Ottomans under Mehmed II at Belgrade. That's when the Ottomans were a force to be reckoned with. But admiring the centuries inbred Hapsburgs of the Austro-Hungarian Empire? Nuts!

FLG: Let's get back to the wire.

Fitz: Right. We want you to wear a wire and get everything they say on tape.

FLG: What are you? The Keystone Cops? I don't talk to them in person. I email them.

Fitz: We'll get you a wire for your email.

FLG: I still don't understand. They are really nice. What's your beef with them?

Mallory: Nice? Scotland Yard just uncovered a plot to infiltrate America using WAGs. They claim to have incontrovertible proof that Vivian masterminded the Posh and Becks move to LA.

FLG: Oh, that is terrible.

Mallory: Uncle Sam is paying him back in spades. Send us an annoying footballer, will he? We've got an inexhaustible supply of entirely talentless celebrities to send right back his way. We'll win through attrition.

FLG: I was wrong. You guys aren't the Keystone Cops. You're Lancelot Link.

Mallory: Lancelot Link?

Fitz: Talking monkey.

Mallory: Did you just call me a monkey?

FLG: Nope. Talking chimp.