Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Conversation

New York City, 71st and Broadway.

FLG meets his crazy friend (CF) who is sitting on a bench in the midst of a heated discussion with a homeless man.

CF: You got my message.

FLG: I’m here aren’t I? I’m glad I found you. You left my house five days ago screaming that you were riding your bike to Florida.

CF: Plans change.

FLG: It was pouring when you left.

CF: I was wearing a slicker.

FLG: It was the middle of the night.

CF: It’s a yellow slicker.

FLG: Your parents are worried sick. And what was that on my answering machine about trading your mountain bike for a sandwich?

CF pats his mountain bike, which is next to him.

CF: The guy was a cheat, but thanks for reminding me. Al and I…CF gestures to the homeless guy sitting next to him…were just discussing that. Hopefully, you can put the issue to rest. Let me set the scene for you. I’m in the Bronx and hungry.

FLG: Where in the Bronx?

CF: By the White Castle.

FLG: You were in the South Bronx, a white boy, on a bike? You’re lucky you survived.

CF: I’m trying to tell a fucking story here!

FLG: Sorry.

CF: So, I’m in the Bronx and I’m hungry. Some guy comes up to me and says, “Hey, I’ll trade you a sandwich for your bike.” Now, at the time, a sandwich sounded pretty damn good, and I was like hell ya. Then we start walking to a sandwich place that the guy knows. He says it’s only a few blocks away, and much to my surprise we end up at the White Castle. The guy wanted to trade my bike for a White Castle hamburger. I was livid. I would have traded my bike for a quality Italian sub, but a White Castle hamburger? That’s not even a snack.

Al, the homeless guy: It is meat that you hold with bread.

CF: Right, so Al here thinks a hamburger is a sandwich because it’s meat that you hold with bread. I contend that hamburgers are not sandwiches, but a special category. I want you to settle this.

FLG: Wait a sec. You were gonna trade your expensive mountain bike for a White Castle hamburger?

CF: Are you even listening? Of course I wouldn’t trade it for a White Castle burger.

FLG: My bad. For an Italian sub.

CF: Well, an Italian sub, that’s a completely different story.

FLG: Have you eaten anything recently?

CF: I had some ketchup packets.

FLG: Let’s go get you some food.

CF: Good idea.

CF grabs his backpack and bike.

FLG: Where’s your slicker?

CF: I traded it.

FLG: For what?

CF: A White Castle hamburger.

FLG: So you did have something to eat?

CF: I thought you meant recently.

AL yelling: Wait! You never said if a hamburger is a sandwich.


Anonymous said...

I understand CF's confusion. And he's not crazy. This is all McDonald's fault. They have sold over 300 billion things called a 'hamburger' worldwide yet all of their corporate literature and, more importantly, all of their legal small print, contracts and whatnot refers to those over 300 billion 'hamburgers' as a sandwich.


Because they're schizos?


It's all because of the Sandwich Industrial Complex. Technically speaking there's not enough meat between the two pieces of bread in the McDonald's hamburger to qualify as a hamburger, so they are a sandwich. But if McDonald's were to actually place enough meat between the two pieces of bread why then they would not enjoy the huge profit margin they have selling sandwiches as hamburgers to an unsuspecting worldwide audience. And if they didn't have the huge profits that they do, why then they couldn't give all their corporate donations to leftist front groups like Jesse Jackson, NARAL, and Acorn, just to name a few. And then the Leftists would shake them down and expose them for selling sandwiches as hamburgers.

But since they keep the quacks happy with their corporate donations, everyone else remains in the dark and pulls up to the drive thru (which is actually the drive through) to order themselves a hamburger and they actually receive a sandwich. Nice racket, huh?

Now, a Duchess Big D...that's a hamburger...

FLG said...

A Big D is a hamburger indeed.

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