Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Three Conversations With One Man

The Evangelical Christian (EC) who lives down the hall in the dorm enters.

EC: Hey FLG, where did you go this weekend?

FLG: Utah. Skied Park City. It was great.

EC: Oh. Utah, huh? I don't like Mormons.

FLG: I don't know many myself, but the ones I have met seem nice enough. Why don't you like them?

EC: So you don't know?

FLG: Don't know what?

EC: About the Angels of Death.

FLG: Gabriel?

EC: No, not Gabriel. The Angels of Death.

FLG: Samael?

EC: No, Angels of Death. They're men.

FLG: Men?

EC: Yes, the Mormons have a death squad named the Angels of Death.

FLG: Really?

EC: If a member who is too high up tries to leave the church, then...
EC drags his thumb across his neck.

FLG: Bummer.

EC: You're telling me. What kind of religion threatens its members with death?

FLG: Who trains them?

EC: The higher ups?

FLG: No, the Angels of Death. Hitmen need training, right? Do they get some sort of absolution for their killing? What types of weapons do they use?

EC: They hire mercenaries. They use guns.

FLG: I see. That's smart. Don't want this type of business traced back to the church.

EC: Exactly.

FLG: So, the Mormon Church has a hit squad of non-Mormons who kill higher up Mormons who want to leave the church?

EC: Yes.

FLG: Seems fishy.

EC: That's not the half of it.

FLG: Really?

EC: The reason the higher ups have to be killed is because of a centuries old deal with the Jesuits.

FLG: Not the Jesuits?

EC: Yes, the Jesuits worked out a deal with the Mormons way back when.

FLG: What type of deal?

EC: Nobody except the higher ups in the Mormon Church and the Jesuit Order know. Everybody who has tried to talk about it has died.

FLG: Then how do you know about it at all?

EC: Even the Black Pope can't keep everything secret.

FLG: Ah, the mastermind, the Black Pope.

EC nods emphatically.

EC: The Black Pope.

FLG: He could be listening even now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Evangelical Christian (EC) who lives down the hall in the dorm enters.

EC: I'm not a virgin, you know.

FLG: Actually, I don't know.

EC: Yeah, well. I'm not.

FLG: Okay.

EC: At our prayer meeting, we decided it is good to talk about your sins, and since nobody else there had had sex, I thought it was best to discuss it with you.

FLG: I see. Talk about sin with the sinner?

EC: I wouldn't have put it like that, but yes.

FLG: Alright, lay it on me.

EC: It was my next door neighbor.

FLG: Older woman?

EC: Yes. Her husband had moved out, but they weren't divorced.

FLG: Adultery, too. This is getting better and better.

EC: Listen, I feel terrible about it. But She seduced me.

FLG: Dude, you fucked Mrs. Robinson!

EC: Huh?

FLG: You know, The Graduate. Nevermind. Please continue.

EC: So, the first time we did it...

FLG: First time? There were multiple?

EC: Twice.

FLG: I see. Where did it occur the first time? Did you get a hotel room?

EC: Does it matter where it was?

FLG: It makes all the difference in the world.

EC: In her bed.

FLG: Had she replaced the bed since he moved out?

EC: I don't think so.

FLG: You did it in his bed?

EC: He had moved out.

FLG: But he probably purchased the bed, and shared it with her.

EC: You're right.

FLG: And the second time?

EC: Back seat of a car.

FLG: Yours or hers?

EC: I didn't have a car.

FLG: Do you think he paid for her car?

EC: Almost definitely.

FLG: Okay, so you defiled his wife in his bed and his car.

EC: When you put it that way it sounds so much worse.

FLG: Don't worry about that. What did you want to discuss about it?

EC: Do you think God will forgive me?

FLG: I don't see why not, if you are contrite. But you'd better hope that whole died for our sins stuff ain't just a bunch of phooey. Otherwise, you are totally screwed.

EC: I have faith.

FLG: Good. That might help you with the afterlife, but I would keep an eye out for that husband.

EC: Don't you feel guilty about having premarital sex?

FLG: Shit no.

EC: But it's against God's law.

FLG: Yeah, but God made girls so hot.

EC: You are supposed to suppress your base instincts. Otherwise, you could go to hell. I'm worried for your soul.

FLG: Let me worry about my soul. You worry about that husband whose wife you stuck your dick in.

EC: You are so crass.

FLG: I didn't fuck some guy's wife...twice.

EC: I feel so much better after talking to you. Thanks.

FLG: Glad I could help. Anytime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Evangelical Christian (EC) who lives down the hall in the dorm enters.

EC: Did you know there is no Creation Science class taught here?

FLG: And rightfully so. Most people realize it is an allegory. Go read St. Augustine. Smart guy.

EC: The Bible is God's word. It's not an allegory.

FLG: Two words -- Dinosaurs.

EC: That's one word.

FLG: I changed my mind and left off, "jackass."

EC: Jerk. What about dinosaurs?

FLG: They're millions of years old.

EC: But the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

FLG: I think the Cretaceous Period might be a bit older than that.

EC: There was no Cretaceous Period.

FLG: You might have missed this, I know you are an aerospace engineering major, but there is this thing called carbon-14 dating.

EC: Horribly inaccurate.

FLG: Last time I checked, radioactive half lives are pretty well understood.

EC: It cannot determine dates beyond 6,000 years.

FLG: Really? That's convenient for your theory.

EC: It's not my theory. It's God's word.

FLG: Explain dinosaurs then.

EC: They were in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve, but science is leading us astray. It's the devil testing our faith.

FLG's jaw hits the floor with a thud.

1 comment:

MCNS said...

My question: What's EC doing in Georgetown, undercover work? I know the Jebbies aren't what they were, but still...Isn't he worried about the Angels of Death being trained up in the Healy Hall tower where they stash the exorcism files?

 
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